LOVE EVEN IF IT HURTS PART 2

First I'd like to amend something I said yesterday. I said that we as emotionally abused women should find a way to get over it.  Well, personally I believe that it will always be a challenge for abuse victims to overcome those thoughts and flashbacks. So just to say find a way to get over it is not enough.  Being emotionally abused is very similar to physical abuse in that they both leave you with scars and bruises that you can heal from but as soon as the scars heal the thing and behavior that caused the abuse presents itself and immediately you remember what it felt like to be abused.  In other words, you react in a manner in which you are accustomed to or you flash back when someone displays certain behavior or attitudes that remind of you what you went through. You then put up your guard to protect yourself from what you view as your batterer. So, the scars heal, but what is left in your head and spirit still remains. It's like twitching when you know a lick is coming to the side of your face.  You know from past experience that's it's going to hurt and you anticipate it even though you hope it doesn't hurt or that you won't get hit.

The trouble with this is; is that men don't understand or think the way we do.  Women carry things deep in their spirit. When we are wounded being vulnerable to someone becomes very difficult. Even though we try to fight past that feeling of stick and move, we still have our right hand up to protect ourselves and other ready to jab.  We want to be open, but there's always that twitch or duck expecting a blow to be coming at some point.  It causes many women to live on the defensive and not be completely open to love. There's literally that feeling of always expecting something to happen and the defense mechanism is always there. That's the life of an abuse victim. Again, we said we do not want to be that, right? Victims expect the worse, but hope for the best.  That is pessimistic indeed.  But unfortunately, for those who have been through with men whose mission in life seemed to be to emotionally torment those he is closest too, this is a reality that many of us have faced.

Here’s the thing that I want to share with you about how we eventually overcome this cycle of being a victim and walking in fear.  We have to remember who we are when the fear rises up in our spirit and we begin to act out. We have to recall what Gods word says concerning fear. First off, God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind (2 Tim 1:7). We have the mind of Christ (I Cor 2:16). When the enemy begins to flash your past before your eyes and those thoughts begin to flood the mind we must present him with the word of God; II Cor. 10:5 tells us to cast down every imagination and every high thing that exalt itself against the knowledge of God and bring captive every thought to the obedience of Christ. We cannot stand in a state of fear of what might be when we have the authority to cause change to occur by simply speaking the word of God over our lives.  We have the ability to speak to the mountain and tell it to be removed and cast into the sea and so shall it be.  We know that when we pray that God hears us and because we know he hears us whatever we ask we can have (I Jn 5:15). We know that the effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much (James 5:16). So when these thoughts come God has given us an escape and immediate relief for those who care to rely on his word for strength. In the time of trouble he will hide you (Ps 27:5)! We know that there is no peace in fear but when we cast down those thoughts, pray and keep our minds on him that is when peace will come and our love will be perfected. Though life may try to rear the head of your past up know that we have the victory over our pain through Christ Jesus.

I wanted to continue the conversation because for those of you who are still dealing with these symptoms, much like me, you might feel like nobody understands just where you are, how you are thinking, or can relate to you at all.  Well, that is not factual. There are so many women single, married, and divorced that have all experienced being emotionally abused and some even physical abuse. I share in both. I understand your pain and the places your head goes when your significant other doesn't do or say what you envision to be the norm. You have this image in your head of how you should be treated, how he should behave with you, and what you envision the relationship to be.  The trouble is, he doesn't share in the visions you have in your head.  Unless you communicate some of those things with him, he will never share in your thoughts, feelings, and emotions on what you expect from him. You cannot assume that he will know if you've never told him. I know I'm preaching today.  Trust me; I have made that mistake many, many, many times.

The thing I should have said was not to find a way to get over it, but find a way to deal with these feelings when they present.  Learning how to manage through prayer, Gods word and positive communication with these feelings of unrest will eventually help you get set free from fear and distrust.  The later part, communication can only be accomplished if you are willing to open up your mouth and express in a positive manner what you are feeling.  Allow him to minister to you and pray with you.  Work with your spouse, fiancé, or boyfriend.  That's, if he is willing to work with you on that level. A man who is truly in love will take that journey with you, but one who does not love you deeply will run for the hills. There's no way a man who isn't really in love can deal with that level of communication. This level requires him to be sensitive to the Holyghost which will make him sensitive to what you need.  His actions will make you feel secure and safe with him.  Let's face it; it is all about us feeling secure and safe.  Isn't it a man's responsibility to protect us and make us feel this way? Absolutely! When a man can give that to you, then you will begin to feel secure enough to let down your guard and not walk in fear with him. But it takes a real man for this to happen. It takes a man who really loves God enough to consult him on how to handle you.

I use to expect men to know what I was thinking and understand what is in my head. I'm still struggling with that.  It is not to our benefit to make that mistake because it will cost you more than you might be willing to pay. It could costs you a good relationship. Additionally, we cannot make that mistake because a man is never going to understand what’s in our heads, it is not logical and it’s never going to happen. We have to be sensible in the fact that men simply do not think like us.  The blueprint of their minds has a different sketch on it. When we assume, we confuse them.  They don't know where we are coming from. When we take time to explain and communicate what's in our head instead of expecting them to know, then we will get a better response. Again, I say only for the right man. Because the wrong one is going to be out the door so quick!  He simply does not want to know us on that level.

Well, our time for today has come to an end. God bless beloveds’ and I pray you were blessed by this as much as it has blessed me. I've learned so much from God sharing this with me.  Trust me, I am a handful!  Share with your sisters. This year is going to be fabulous, some of us will be getting engaged, some getting married and some of us will remain happily single.  Whatever the case, we will blessed!

LOVE EVEN IF IT HURTS

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. (I Jn 4:18)


So here we are in a New Year.... 2013. Happy New Year by the way! I enter this New Year with many goals and transitions. I knew going in that there would be many changes in my life, changes I would be making and changes that would just occur. I am excited about this year and all that is ahead for me. I can't help but think back on where I was just two years ago. I was a broken woman with many hurts and bruises.  I had been literally battered emotionally and I felt that I simply did not know where or if I could find my way out of the place in my heart and spirit that I was.

I admit that it has been challenging to say the least. There are many things that continue to be a challenge for me.  Though I try very hard to get past them, there are still fragments of the damage that was done to me.  I'm sure some of you find yourself in that place.  Me, having come from a place of child-like trust to a place where I take a second look and glance at all motives and actions, it's really hard to know why it just doesn't go away.

I think that once you have been battered, even though the scars heal there is always going to be that place in your head that recalls the beating.  Although the battering was done by someone else you can't quite get out of your head if you need to duck or not.  You get my meaning? So, I struggle with that.  Although, my heart is wide open to be loved and to love there is always that place in my head that recalls the beating. Well, ladies as tough as this is for us, men don't understand this part of us.  It doesn't matter if you try to explain it, reiterate it, or draw a picture.  They do not want us to hold them accountable for what someone else did to us and for good reason.  They really don't deserve to take the butt of someone else's brutality on our emotional state. 

As hard as it is for us to work our way through the flashbacks of abuse, we have to find a way to do it, if we are to ever have a healthy and lasting relationship.  Now, I admit that I am so guilty of the flashback moments of distrust. I absolutely have no reason to doubt, but it is really my own insecurities that put me in that place. So dealing with really where the insecurity is coming from is the issue and not the person that you may be dealing with.  Our insecurities about whether we can trust this person with our heart, whether they will deal with us in like manner that someone else did, whether we can really open up and let someone in and make ourselves vulnerable to being hurt.  Honestly, if we are unwilling to become vulnerable, we will never really be able to love without fear.  The word tells us in I Jn 4:18 that perfect love casts out all fear. Additionally, fear has everything to do with punishment. Did you hear that? We are punishing the wrong person for mistakes another person made. So when our love is not perfected we walk in fear.  Well you ask, how can our love be perfected if we are afraid? You have to let it go. You have to allow God to do surgery on your heart and not only remove the visible bruises, but the invisible internal bruises. Because when we don't do that we will continue to punish other people for what somebody else did to us.

When love is perfected in us, the fear will go. Because with perfected love comes peace.  When we always view ourselves as a victim we live in constant fear. When we see ourselves as a victim, our mentality is that everybody is a batterer.  But everybody isn't a batterer. A victim mentality tells us that we are being victimized when we're not. So, we will keep fighting when we don't need to fight. I'm preaching to myself today because I need to hear all of this.  A victim doesn't know when it's time to put the flag up and surrender because all she knows is if she doesn't protect herself she will end up like she was in the past. But everybody doesn't want to tear us down, beat us up emotionally, and make us feel less than who we are.  If we treat people like they want to injure us eventually we will draw that spirit to us and the enemy will have his way in our lives.

So when the right one comes along, its more about how you view yourself and less about how he views you. I want you to evaluate your hearts and where you are.  Sometimes we don't know what's in us till someone points it out. I thought I was done tripping over being hurt, but being called out on that made me realize what I was doing. I definitely do not want to be the one to wreck an awesome relationship over absolutely nothing.  Do you? We need to find a way to cope with our insecurities about the past without accusing, without assuming, without making someone else responsible for the hurt we endured at someone else's hands. I will be talking about this in more detail....stay tuned!

As always ladies......have a blessed day and have blessed week!