EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE......BEING TRANSPARENT

Wow, I said a mouth full just with the title alone.  Emotionally unavailable and being transparent. Are you or perhaps someone you might be dealing with in this place?  Sometimes people think they're ready for a relationship when actually they haven't fully brought their head out of the last thing that happened to them.  I will give examples of people who are in that place.  For example, people who don't want to talk about their past with you are folks who are either hiding, refuse to deal with their issues and responsibility they played in their past, or someone who is emotionally shut down.  Someone who diverts attention away from real issues is a perfect example as well.  All of these are red flags and reasons for you to run, far, far away in prada shoes.

A person who is emotionally immature will divert attention away from dealing with the real issues. This person will want to keep the relationship in a light unrealistic place.  This is a person who doesn't fully understand that life is not a fairy tale.  There are real life issues that come up and a mature person wants to learn and understand how to deal with them.  When you are going into a relationship with someone you want to know how that person handles pressure and what kind of decisions this person will make.  You don't want someone who's going to be a flight risk at the very moment conflict arises and issues come up that need to be dealt with!

Honestly, any rational person understands that this is not the real world.  Even for those of us in ministry as much as we would like to think that life never teaches us lessons and trials do not come that test our faith this is both unrealistic and not bibilical.  God said in this life we SHALL have tribulation (Jn 16:33). We understand that trials come to make us strong and the tribulations give us the ability to withstand more pressure because our patience increases resulting from the pressures of life (Rom 5:3).  It would be wonderful to be a cinderella book and live happily ever after without any hard places to deal with, but that ain't happening.  Guess what, even Cinderella had her issues to deal with.  God never promised us a life without struggle.  But he did say cast your cares upon me for I care for you (I Pet 5:7).  We can also come boldly to the throne of grace and obtain mercy in the time of trouble (Heb 4:16).  That alone tells me that I should anticipate that trouble WILL come.  But God! Amen!

So, let's get back to being emotionally immature and emotionally unavailable.  Being emotionally immature and unavailable is nearly the same thing.  There are in such close relationship that we will put them right there together.  What these two particular things are saying is I'm not fully checked in because it's bothersome to me to deal with a relationship on a real level.  I would rather play at having a relationship rather than take the time to build a real one.  I don't really want to do what it takes to build a relationship because I'm closed off.  That's what it's saying.  Let me be frank, you cannot build a relationship with someone who is closed off to letting you get to know who they really are.  That makes this person both emotionally unavailable and immature.  Reality tells us that a person who wants to build something will make the effort to expose who they are to you.  When a person is not mature emotionally he will not expose himself because he fears being hurt and has likely been emotionally battered in his past.  He will shut himself off emotionally for fear of being injured again.  Get this, some of them (men) don't even realize they are closed off.  They've been that way so long, they think it's normal.  When you try to dig to get to know them they resist by putting up a barrier of areas they don't want to discuss.

I'm saying this to help some of you who might be going through this.  I know some of you all don't want to hear this but you cannot be in a relationship with someone who is emotionally immature or emotionally unavailable.  They will drive you absolutely bananas. You will be left with no understanding of how things went left so quickly.  You will not be able to grasp why you can't have a real conversation.  You will want to discuss life and its possibilities and all they'll want to talk about is how cute you are. You will want to have serious conversations and they will check out as soon as you bring up anything that will give you a clue about who they really are.  Let me say this, you cannot love someone on the surface.  That's not real love.  That's fleshly love coming from a carnal place. A carnal christian will be centered on the physical aspect of you and reject the spiritual part. A man who is trying to keep you on this level will not allow you to dig deeper into who they really are. He fears knowing him on an intimate emotional level creates places of discomfort that he is unwilling to expose himself to.  Women being the more emotional being will seek to know a man on this communicative level, but when a man is not emotionally mature he will divert your attention away from every deep place and limit you in knowing him on that level.  Did you hear me? So, what I'm saying to you is do you have that kind of time to invest in someone who is emotionally cut off?

Honestly, it will take some work to get through those walls. I say that because in most cases this person doesn't have a clue that they have issues. It's funny to me that often people who think everyone else has issues are unwilling to see or recognize their own issues. I'm going to keep it really real right here, it takes someone who is confidently secure in who they are to handle a real Godly woman especially a woman who is in ministry. Ministry women have a responsibility to God to stay connected and be ready to pour out whenever he needs them too.  A weak man who doesn't know who he is will feel that he has to be competition with God for your attention. If he has unresolved emotional issues that is a prayer meeting, a bottle of oil, and denounciation service waiting to happen.  It may be that you could invest that time in helping him to a better place, but do you want to? As an agent of God, yes, but as far as for a relationship...umm probably not.  That is the question that you will need to ask yourself. There is no guarantee that even after you invest all of that time that he will be in a relationship ready place.  If I can reflect back on my emotionally damaged place I still struggle with trust on ocassion. It's not because I think everyone isn't trust worthy, but I believe when a person says they love you and that you can trust them with your heart they have a responsibility to show you that you can trust them with your heart. I can no longer run on blind faith when it comes to my emotionally well-being.  I put my confidence in God and not man. That's scripture (Ps 146:3).

Now to leave you with a word on today I say this.... look at your own self to see if YOU are emotionally available and see if you are emotionally mature enough to be open about who you are and where you've been.  We cannot expect people to accept that we don't want to talk about where we've been.  Even though where we've been may not reflect who we are right now, it does reflect who we are.  You get what I'm saying? Where we've been molds us into the person we are and explains some things about who we are.  Where we've been has taught us to be who we are right now. Sometimes we have to go back to go forward.  The reason why some of us don't want to go back is because we are ashamed of where we've come from and embarrassed by who we were.  But I thank God for my past because my past has taught me many things about who I am.  It's taught me patience, perserverence, not to stay down but to get up.  My past has taught me that I'm better than where I've been.  I don't have a problem with being transparent.  We do want the right person to know this about us.  You can't hide from who you are.  We certainly cannot expect someone to want to be in a relationship nor should we want to be in a relationship with someone who isn't transparent and willing to be forthright about who they are. Do we?

Hold on, be strong ladies and have a blessed weekend!

YOU'RE A DIAMOND

I absolutely have to blog about what I just heard on the prayer line! It blessed me so much I want to share it with all of you. The man of God was speaking specifically to us single gals and said something so profound and anointed. It's funny that he would say that since so, so many women for so long have settled into relationships because they desired to simply be in a relationship.  God did not necessarily give them the green light, but for so many it was better than being by themselves.  I've said it before myself; I'm tired of being alone.  There is no problem with us saying that, the problem comes in when we start making decisions based on our loneliness instead of being guided by the Holyghost.  When we decide that we can mold someone into the man we want and not take them at face value.

The man of God said on tonight "Don't be in a relationship with a man that's below your value".  That is so key.  When you are a precious jewel as God has made us to be as women of God, you have to consider yourself when someone comes along and wants to scoop you up. You were carefully selected by God as one of the bridesmaids of the master, a daughter of Zion, Gods' handmaiden.  As such, there is a man designed just for you whom God has hand selected to walk stride for stride with you in life.  Not just anybody! Not someone whom you have to groom, push along, pray up so they can stay up, put oil in their shoes, bring out all the prayer cloths, and dial 1-800-SAVE-A-MAN to get him to be the Godly man you know you deserve. Honestly, if you have to do all of that, he is not the one, was not the one, and will never be the one.  You are a precious stone and he is a rock.  How can a precious stone settle for a rock?  Why would an heiress go to the prison looking for love?

I'm saying this not to blow your heads up about who you are, but to let you know that you do not have to shovel up dirt to have what God wants for you.  Patience and time will get you what he has for you.  Don't settle for a stone because a stone is meant to weigh you down.  No matter how much you try to pull it up, if you wrap it around you, a stone sinks right to bottom every time.  When the stone goes down, so will you.  I often wondered why it was such a struggle in my past.  The struggle comes when you connect with someone who you were not designed to be with.  Not saying that that person is a bad person, it's just that that person was not meant to connect with you because with you he is a weight.  You are not on the same level.  You're a rare stone and he in comparison to who you are, well, there is no comparison. So, your status will seek to pull him up and at times God's favor rains because of you, but then the rock will bring you back down because no matter how you try to fix it, it's not you, not meant for you, and not supposed to be with you.

Sometimes in our eagerness we are so willing to settle for less than what we are, who we are, knowing full well who we are.  I'm the first to admit that I've done some foolishness in life and I'm sure I'm not done as long as I live in this skin I will likely do some more foolish things.  The things that I've learned from my foolishness has taught me that no matter how much I would like to say yes just for the sake of not being alone, this would only downgrade my classification. Save your yes' for only those who are your equal in the spirit.  Someone with spiritual maturity, emotional maturity, and financial stability are all acceptable levels of expectation for a daughter of Zion. It is not something that you should go into a relationship trying to build, hoping to change, and praying it will be alright or get better.  You don't have to downgrade who you are because you're alone.

I've heard people say, "Work with a brother". This is the world's mentality, not God's wisdom.  Please distinguish between the two.  You do not have to work with a brother until he brings himself up.  A mature man will have his stuff together before he seeks you out.  He will not be trying to get it together.  He will have all his ducks in a row.  If you have to buy the house, the car, and pay all of the bills....this clearly is not a man who is at the same value level as you.  You do not have to feel bad about this, nor do you have to underclass who you are for anyone.  This is what God has blessed you with.  You are who you are.  A man who has nothing to offer you should really wait until he is in a position to lead by example.  I know we have this reversal of values nowadays, but God's word has not changed.  It's the same today, yesterday, and forevermore.

So, while you are pondering things in your head about what to do with a relationship, whether to start a relationship, whether to move forward, or whether to get involved, etc. you might want to consider some of the things I've said.  As the man of God said tonight there are many women in this predicament.  There are a great cloud of witnesses out there that can attest to the fact that they busted a move they shouldn't have.  They got into a relationship with someone who was beneath their value and now they have struggled for years trying to help them up. They've been trying to do only what God can do, bring somebody up a level.  That will never happen for these ladies that walked into these relationships feeling like they would be the one to change this man and make this man into who they believe he could be.  They will be disappointed every time.  Because the bottom line is you can't change a rock into a diamond.  It's always going to be...a rock.

WHEN THE CRYING STOPS

I am pursuaded today to share on this wise, that we consider ourselves when we are interacting with other people on a personal level.  I say that because often, we are very selfish in our emotional thinking. It's all about how we feel, what we want, and what will make us feel better. We care little for the other persons feelings or emotions. We would like to care, but in the moment it is normally about us.  As women, we often wear our emotions so plainly and loudly for everyone to see.  We have difficulty bringing our emotions into subjection with honoring instructions given by the Holyspirit. We have trouble distinguishing between what we feel and what God is saying. We get a little cloudy on that level.  It'd not intentional, but it happens more often than not and even to the most spiritual among us.  Those that believe that the Lord dines at their table on a regular basis and he doesn't visit anybody else house but theirs.  Well, it happens with these individuals too.  We get caught up in the emotion.  But God does not want us to base how we behave, how we respond, and how we interact with people on how we feel, but he wants us to be lead by the Spirit. For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God (Rom 8:14).

Those who are led are his and know his voice.  John 10:27 says, "his sheep know his voice". I'm not saying that we don't know his voice.  I'm not saying that we are not connected or that we're not his sheep, but that we block.  We block with our tears, with our crying, with tantrums, we our fits.  We block God from giving us a word because we refuse to be women and revert to girls at leisure.  We block because we don't want to hear it. We block when we hear him just because. We block when he wants to give us wisdom on how to deal with people because it is more comfortable to do what we've always done instead of doing what he wants us to do.  Umm, that sounds so familiar to me. I believe I'll say amen.

The Holyspirit will never lead you contrary to God's word.  He is there to guide us and give us instruction.  In those times when we need to shut our mouths believe me he is telling us to shut up, but we refuse to do it simply because we would rather overrule and have our say.  I remember a time I was having a heated discussion with my former spouse and I was really young then and didn't really know when to shut up.  But as we were going back and forth I began to get more angry and just when I was at the boiling point something rose up in me.  I felt God cutting the spigot like you turn a faucet off in me.  In mid-sentence I stopped talking.  My former spouse didn't know what happened, but I sensed God in me shutting it down and cutting me off.  I shut up immediately.  I knew whatever it was I wanted to say was not important enough for me to continue with that conversation and it was going nowhere.  I learned from that day to listen a little more closely and not be so eager to say everything I thought I was big enough to say.

The Spirit of God is manifested through love and we know that the Spirit of God does not behave himself unseemly.  He is longsuffering, not puffed up, doesn't envy, does not provoke, thinks no evil, bears all, believes all, and endures all (I Cor 13:4-7).  He is sensitive to the voice of God.  So, when the crying stops and we come down from our moment of non-clarity it is at that time we need to fall back on who we really are, whose we really are, and whom we represent.  It is at that very moment that we should embrace the God in us and put our ear on the mouth of God to get clarity.  We were not created to be out of control and side tracked by foolishness, foolish behavior, and ungodly conversation.  God adopted us as sons through Christ Jesus to the praise of his glory (Eph 1:5-6). 

I've got mad love for my sisters but I have to keep it real, we really can act a fool.  It's like we don't even know when we have something good we do stupid things to mess it up for no reason.  If we do not learn to guard our tongues and be disciplined in our emotion we will never be able to have a lasting relationship with anyone.  Did you hear me?  Stop hearing so much stuff that's not being said or done. We create problems then elevate them to 100th degree out of the blue. When we stop crying about nothing and put some real prayer on ourselves (yes ourselves) so that God can take some of that bitterness, hurt, abandonment issues, insecurity, (the list goes on) out of us, we are NOT ready for any kind of relationship.  Your life does not begin with having someone in it anyway.  Your happiness is not going to come from having someone else in it. We are complete in HIM (Col 2:10).  The amplified says we have been brought to fullness.  Meaning, there was something lacking in us prior to but having received Christ we are no longer lacking, but have been made whole.  So, there are no parts of us that are missing because singleness. There is nothing lacking in us because we don't have a man. 

What am I saying? When the crying stops and when we stop doing us, we need to realize that if we do not start doing God we will never be the "woman" that God intends for us to be. There is a woman in there that God designed before the foundation that we should walk in to do what he purposed.  Our greatest enemy to our purpose is ourselves. We do not allow ourselves to be what God planned for us. We sabotage his works with our constant moments of non-clarity from tantrums. If we can get past the emotion and engage in the Spirit it will greatly benefit every area of our lives. I cannot say this enough. We often want to put so much focus on the "things" we do not have instead of focusing on what God put in us. Our first purpose is to be his daughters.  Set your effections on things above and all these other things will be added (Col 3:2). Guard your heart, bridle your tongue, listen to God and when HE speaks - then you talk......

LET GO OF THAT

I want to talk about soul ties today. Sometimes we do not realize that we have connected to someone in a way that has kept us locked in and not knowing that you under bondage. Anytime that you exchange bodily fluids you can develop a soul tie, although, sexual soul ties tend to run much deeper than other connections.  What I mean is that kissing does not connect you in the same way that sexual relations does.  You can kiss someone and feel a strong attraction and connection to them, but when you connect with them on a sexual level then those fluids are released into you and you become connected in a way that only married people should be tied. When you connect with someone in the flesh in is two-fold both spiritual and natural. This is why this particular connection attaches at a deeper level. It is because your body and your spirit craves to remain attached.  This can make it very difficult to walk away from relationships when you have crossed the line to that level as opposed to those that were only developed on one level. 

You can also develop soul ties on a spiritual level only.  When you are connected to someone on a spiritual level such as when someone prays for another individual.  You have a God connection to them.  Your heart is connected in a supernatural way and disconnecting can leave you damaged.  Much like when a spiritual Father/Mother aborts their child.  You mourn the lose deeply.

A small definition of a soul tie is it is like a linkage in the soul realm between two people. It links their souls together, which can bring fourth both beneficial results and negative results. For example the positive effects of a soul tie exist between man and wife.  Biblically a man and wife should connect in this way.  In a godly marriage, God links the two together and the Bible tells us that they become one flesh. As a result of them becoming one flesh, it binds them together and they will cleave onto one another in a unique way. The purpose of this cleaving is to build a very healthy, strong and close relationship between a man and a woman.

Matthew 19:5, "And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh."

Soul ties can also be found in close strong or close friendships. They are not just limited to marriage as I said earlier, as we can see with King David and Jonathan:

1 Samuel 18:1, "And it came to pass, when he had made an end of speaking unto Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul."

The enemy can use soul ties to manipulate us and pull us into areas of sin that are weaknesses for us. These areas that God desires to deliver us from. It is often that we are weak because we are unaware oftentimes that we have left a door open for the enemy to use against us. The negative effects of soul ties can be seen in:

 Genesis 34:2-3, "And when Shechem the son of Hamor the Hivite, prince of the country, saw her, he took her, and lay with her, and defiled her. And his soul cleaved unto Dinah the daughter of Jacob, and he loved the damsel, and spoke kindly unto the damsel."

The enemy developed a soul tie and gained an advantage over Shechem and caused not only him but Dinah to become defiled from the sexual sin between the two of them. This is why it is so common for a person to still have 'feelings' towards an ex-lover that they have no right to be attracted to in that way. Even 20 years down the road, a person may still think of their first lover... even if he or she is across the country and has their own family, all because of a soul tie!

Demonic spirits can also take advantage of ungodly soul ties, and use them to transfer spirits between one person to another. This can be accomplished either through bodily fluids or spiritual manipulation.  This is why it is crucial to be very careful who you link up with.  Your connections could render either positive or negative influence on you spiritually.  It could be detrimental to your spiritual well being.

We have to come to a place where we can “let go of that”. And know that it is indeed gone and we are free from it.  We must denounce some things from our past whether it is sexual sins, spiritual connections, and sometimes places that we have gone to that caused us to carry something away with us that caused us to stumble or keeps us in bondage.  For example, if every time you pass by Joe Willy’s Bar and Grill you want to go home and do things to yourself, you have to ask yourself where that’s coming from and petition God for answers. 

Sometimes we try to hold people in our spirit that really don’t care for us, never did, and we never should have allowed in our hearts from the beginning. We even try to hold on to people who have moved on in life with other people. The enemy will give you strong delusions regarding a relationship that is not there and cause you to stumble.  In some instances put you right in the middle of that persons relationship and cause him/her to stumble as well. I have been down this road.  I have given more of myself away that I should have and been left with nothing but a need to go through deliverance all over again! We cannot allow this spirit of manipulation to torment our minds and keep us polluted.

So I appeal to you today to search yourselves regarding soul ties. Anytime you date somebody for any extended period of time you’re emotions are getting intermingled with theirs and you become connected in a spiritual way.  As women we tend to give more away than we should and usually far sooner than wisdom dictates. We get emotionally attached early on and without knowing whether the other person has really committed to us in the same manner. The point being, is that getting connected so easily before knowing what God is saying to you regarding the relationship is not wise. I understand this because I have done this and lived to regret it. Dare I say, many times before.  Sometimes you would think that conventional wisdom would step forward and speak during those times.  In retrospect, it has, but the reality is that we normally overrule that and continue down the same road of destruction.  Again, I am guilty of this. I’ve done some really unwise things, made some poor choices, and it has always come back to bite me.  But because of my poor choices, I am able to share with you my experience and pray that you will be guided by the Holyspirit and not be lead by your own spirit.

Somehow the world has taught us that we need to take risk to be in a relationship and for love.  But I don’t find that anywhere in the scripture.  I know what you’re thinking; the rules of faith do not apply here my sisters.  If it’s God, it’s God.  If it’s not, it’s not.  That’s the bottom line.  He does not lead us to do foolish things and make unwise decisions for the sake of love.  I’m I clear here? The Lord establishes a thing first and not after.  In other words, God does not do the lottery when it comes to what he says.  Meaning, you do not have to buy a ticket and take a chance on winning.  God will put it together and there is no risk involved in what he puts together.  Is that more clear?

So, I’ll wrap it up today, but I really wanted to share a little about soul ties and how real they are. We should be careful to ask the Lord if who we want to allow in our space is who he wants in our space. Don’t be so eager to get caught up in a thing before you know its God. There are some lessons that you do not want to learn the hard way.

God bless my sisters and pray you have a blessed and prosperous day in Jesus!

NOT EASILY BROKEN

Okay women of God, it's been a minute since I blogged. I've had many things in the works. First, I've been working on me. I embraced some changes in my life that I just love and have really worked to my benefit. I revamped my diet to a vegan diet and God has truly helped me and given me wisdom on how to eat. As a result, I've shed 30 pounds over the course of 2 months.  I'm still going strong with the slim down! Praise God for that! I've also started working on my MBA and it has been tedious and tiresome, but God is able.  Lastly, I am purchasing a home and God has tremendously blessed in that. He's been abundantly good to me and I am truly grateful.

I do want to address some things with you on today and I pray that each and every one of you has been blessed, prosperous, and well.  I had been listening on a prayer line with an Apostle out of Houston, TX and he has been discussing why there are so many single women in the church. That's a very good and valid question.  I know the first thing that many of us will say is because there aren't many brothers in church.  Of course, that's the first thing.  There aren't many that's true, but there are quite a few that are single.  Sadly, many of us run them off from acting desperate.  Many people would like to make the women in the church entirely responsible for why we are single.  That is not entirely true either.  I personally would rather be single than to be married to someone who does not have the capacity to love and appreciate me for the woman that I am. If I had my drothers I will take curtain number one Alex rather than what many of us view as the prize "a husband". 

I've been giving some thought to this recently.  You know, how we view the ultimate prize as getting married.  Getting married is not the ultimate prize. It comes with responsibility and dealing with somebody else's hangups, insecurities, and issues as well as our own.  As much as we would like to think that everybody is delivered in church and that everyone "lived happily ever after", it doesn't work like that.  Happily ever after comes with work, giving a little, taking a little, being willing to understand someone else's weaknesses, pain, and drama.  It is not the rosie image that we see when we look at ministry posters of power couples planning a conference.  It's more to it than that. Of course, one would like to think that it is always a rollercoaster of fun times, adventure, and you never have to deal with any real issues. But that ain't life people.  Life is knowing how to pray, when to pray, when to close your mouth, and when to speak up.  Life is being willing to bend a little when your partner needs to vent.  It means being willing to compromise sometimes. It means loving and appreciating someone in spite of their shortcomings.  It means loving somebody past the pain and praying for them.  Now, that's real. 

We so easily let go because we live in a society that teaches us not to hang in there, but give up.  Don't waste time, because there is something better out there.  Nobody is really willing to put in the work, but would rather give up because it's easier to give up and more difficult to deal with the real issues. I'm not telling you this not to knock your dreams of getting married, but to encourage you to understand that relationships take work.  If it is not within you to do the work then perhaps being happily single is something you should embrace instead.  Because being happily married is a responsibility that should only be undertaken by "real women" who desire a lifelong committment, not little girls who just want to play house and need somebody to minister to their flesh.  Hear me in the spirit women of God.  As you walk closer to your destiny whether it be to remain as Paul or go into fellowship with the man that God has designed for you, know this, that you are responsible alone for your own character.  You decide what kind of woman you really want to be.  Whether you will be the woman who prays through a situation, learns to stand in adversity, learns to communicate effectively, or the woman who allows the world to dictate the outcome of her life and relationships.

Don't be a victim of society, but instead be a daughter of purpose and character. Embrace the God in you and work on you while you are single.  If you so desire to be yoked up at some point then you will have the capacity to withstand when the storms of life come to challenge your relationship.  Be strong in the Lord and power of his might ladies! I will be blogging more often as well.