So here we are in a New Year.... 2013. Happy New Year by the way! I enter this New Year with many goals and transitions. I knew going in that there would be many changes in my life, changes I would be making and changes that would just occur. I am excited about this year and all that is ahead for me. I can't help but think back on where I was just two years ago. I was a broken woman with many hurts and bruises. I had been literally battered emotionally and I felt that I simply did not know where or if I could find my way out of the place in my heart and spirit that I was.
I admit that it has been challenging to say the least. There are many things that continue to be a challenge for me. Though I try very hard to get past them, there are still fragments of the damage that was done to me. I'm sure some of you find yourself in that place. Me, having come from a place of child-like trust to a place where I take a second look and glance at all motives and actions, it's really hard to know why it just doesn't go away.
I think that once you have been battered, even though the scars heal there is always going to be that place in your head that recalls the beating. Although the battering was done by someone else you can't quite get out of your head if you need to duck or not. You get my meaning? So, I struggle with that. Although, my heart is wide open to be loved and to love there is always that place in my head that recalls the beating. Well, ladies as tough as this is for us, men don't understand this part of us. It doesn't matter if you try to explain it, reiterate it, or draw a picture. They do not want us to hold them accountable for what someone else did to us and for good reason. They really don't deserve to take the butt of someone else's brutality on our emotional state.
As hard as it is for us to work our way through the flashbacks of abuse, we have to find a way to do it, if we are to ever have a healthy and lasting relationship. Now, I admit that I am so guilty of the flashback moments of distrust. I absolutely have no reason to doubt, but it is really my own insecurities that put me in that place. So dealing with really where the insecurity is coming from is the issue and not the person that you may be dealing with. Our insecurities about whether we can trust this person with our heart, whether they will deal with us in like manner that someone else did, whether we can really open up and let someone in and make ourselves vulnerable to being hurt. Honestly, if we are unwilling to become vulnerable, we will never really be able to love without fear. The word tells us in I Jn 4:18 that perfect love casts out all fear. Additionally, fear has everything to do with punishment. Did you hear that? We are punishing the wrong person for mistakes another person made. So when our love is not perfected we walk in fear. Well you ask, how can our love be perfected if we are afraid? You have to let it go. You have to allow God to do surgery on your heart and not only remove the visible bruises, but the invisible internal bruises. Because when we don't do that we will continue to punish other people for what somebody else did to us.
When love is perfected in us, the fear will go. Because with perfected love comes peace. When we always view ourselves as a victim we live in constant fear. When we see ourselves as a victim, our mentality is that everybody is a batterer. But everybody isn't a batterer. A victim mentality tells us that we are being victimized when we're not. So, we will keep fighting when we don't need to fight. I'm preaching to myself today because I need to hear all of this. A victim doesn't know when it's time to put the flag up and surrender because all she knows is if she doesn't protect herself she will end up like she was in the past. But everybody doesn't want to tear us down, beat us up emotionally, and make us feel less than who we are. If we treat people like they want to injure us eventually we will draw that spirit to us and the enemy will have his way in our lives.
So when the right one comes along, its more about how you view yourself and less about how he views you. I want you to evaluate your hearts and where you are. Sometimes we don't know what's in us till someone points it out. I thought I was done tripping over being hurt, but being called out on that made me realize what I was doing. I definitely do not want to be the one to wreck an awesome relationship over absolutely nothing. Do you? We need to find a way to cope with our insecurities about the past without accusing, without assuming, without making someone else responsible for the hurt we endured at someone else's hands. I will be talking about this in more detail....stay tuned!
As always ladies......have a blessed day and have blessed week!
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